


It's All In Me

by merkintosh



Category: Glee
Genre: Ableist Language, F/M, Homophobic Language, M/M, Masturbation, Pegging, Sex Toys, Sexist Language, just language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-30
Updated: 2017-08-30
Packaged: 2018-12-21 20:17:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11951850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merkintosh/pseuds/merkintosh
Summary: Puck wakes up in the middle of the night at the new Hudson/Hummel house and wreaks a little havoc in Kurt's bedroom.





	It's All In Me

**Author's Note:**

> Just uploading some old files from my computer!

Puck didn't mind crashing at Finn's place after a hard evening of Call of Duty, but the problem he had was that Finn's bedroom was _fucking boring._ He was too used to the sound of his mother snoring next door to handle how quietly Finn breathed. Finn looked like he'd snore like a chainsaw or at the very least breathe with his mouth open like a spider trap, but no. Finn slept like a baby, the douchebag. Also, his new room was similar enough to juvie with its white walls, bare floors and shitty twin bed that it made Puck antsy. He never thought he'd miss that sad cowboy wallpaper, but tonight was proving him wrong. At least he could have counted cowboys or something to get to sleep. 

So Puck got up and figured he'd walk around and get rid of some of his unwanted energy. Not waking up Finn would be a problem, though. Finn always woke up confused and oddly aggressive. If he saw Puck standing around in his room, he'd probably smother him to death. So he snuck out of Finn's room as quietly as he could and hoped like hell the floors in the place didn't creak. He got past the master bedroom okay (of course Finn picked the bedroom next to his parents, the idiot) but barely got five feet before the house let out a giant groan. It was probably stupid of him to freak out, but Puck wasn't taking any chances that Finn might wake up and come barreling out of his room like a bear with a sore head so he tore open the door to the nearest room and ran in.

Instead of the bathroom or hall closet, Puck seemed to be in Kurt's bedroom. It looked way expensive and like it should be in Martha Stewart Living. Puck vaguely remembered Finn saying something about Kurt having a lady's night with Mercedes and Rachel so he breathed a sigh of relief.

Then he immediately started opening up drawers and looking for blackmail material. Maybe if he found Kurt's secret stash of goth nailpolish or some sort of cutting kit, he could get Kurt to help him nail Lauren. Kurt had to know what fat chicks liked, Mercedes practically wet herself over him last year after all. Plus, messing with Kurt was still kind of fun even though he was totally off limits for any kind of physical strongarm tactics now that he was sort of Puck's boy. Well, at the least he was Finn's brother. It was his New Year's Resolution to stay on Finn's good side this year and messing with his brother would not help him with that. 

The first drawer he opened was useless. "Seriously, how many pens does a person need?" Puck asked himself. There were like thirty pens in the drawer on top of a ream of printer paper. "Maybe he has a diary."

Puck opened the next two drawers and looked in them simultaneously. The first one just had a pile of random tiny pieces of fabric in it and nothing else no matter how far he dug around. The third drawer, though. Was interesting.

First thing was the composition notebook sitting on top of everything. Triumphant, Puck seized it and opened it to the middle. That's where the good stuff always was in books anyways. But instead of good juicy dirt like a suicide poem or a plan for how to trap and flay Karofsky alive, it seemed like Kurt just doodled shit. There were pages upon pages of hearts and dresses and unicorns with variations on Kurt's name and some guy named Blaine put together. Puck laughed out loud at the sight. It was so fourth grade, it was kind of sad. He didn't think Kurt would let him blackmail him over it, though. Lame though Kurt's diary was, it was pretty useless.

And underneath it was some weird object still in its plastic wrapper. Puck squinted to see what it was in the moonlight, but he couldn't figure it out. It looked like a tiny nerf baseball bat. Puck fumbled to turn on the desklight and get a better look.

Holy shit, it was a dildo. Puck grinned and pumped his fist. Victory.

"What are you doing?" Puck heard Kurt ask him from behind his back. Squealing, Puck spun around and threw the dildo towards Kurt, hitting him in the face where he was laying in bed.

"Ow!" Kurt said overdramatically as he fumbled to sit up in bed.

"You're not supposed to be here!" Puck said. He pointed a finger accusingly and Kurt who was rubbing at his cheek and glaring at Puck.

"It's my room, Puck!" Kurt said, confused. "You just walked into my room and threw something at my head! Are you sleepwalking or just the rudest human being alive?"

Puck shrugged mulishly and crossed his arms over his chest. "I thought you were lady-ing it up with Mercedes at her place tonight," he said.

Kurt stared at him judgmentally. "So you figured you could just waltz into my room because I wasn't there."

"I needed to get away from Finn," Puck said. "He almost attacked me in his sleep like an angry bear."

Kurt squinted at Puck like he was insane and fumbled to grab the plastic package where it had landed behind him. "Puck, stay out of my room when you're having crazy homoerotic fantasies about Finn and bears, ok? And stay out of my drawers. What did you even find that-- Oh my god," Kurt said with a loud gasp when he saw what Puck had thrown at him. He threw the package onto the floor.

Puck barely refrained from doing another fist pump. "I found something interesting, didn't I?" Puck said, drawling the words out like a villain in a movie. "Did you just buy a new one to replace the one you wore out?"

Kurt was blushing and looked really freaked out. "It was a gift!" he said, his voice crawling upwards into helium balloon high levels.

Puck smiled as dirtily as he could manage. "Some gift, Kurt," he said. "Maybe your dad needs to find out about your secret admirer giving you fake cocks for your birthday."

Kurt's eyes went wide with fear. "Puck, _no,_ " he said, scandalized.

Puck lifted his chin. "I'll keep my mouth shut if you do me a favor," he said.

Kurt clutched the covers to his chest with a white-knuckled grip. "Like what?"

"One," Puck said. "I sleep here tonight. Two, you help me get together with Lauren."

Kurt's lips thinned as he chewed on his cheek, his brows furrowed in consternation. "This is blackmail."

"Yeah, pretty much," Puck said cheerfully. He spread his arms out and shrugged while he waited for Kurt to say yes.

Kurt sighed and scooted over to one side of the bed. "Fine," he said. "But you use the duvet and not the sheets. And don't try to spoon me."

"Spoken like an expert bedsharer," Puck said teasingly. "I'm leaving the light on." Kurt just nodded tightly and pointed down at the blankets by his feet. Puck scrambled to lay on the bed, pulling the comforter over him as well as the weird fur blanket. Kurt's bed was really comfortable.

"Shut up," Kurt said as soon as he saw Puck open his mouth again. He turned around to face the wall.

Puck poked him in the back. "No way, Kurt. You're going to tell me how to get Lauren."

"What, now?" Kurt asked. He jerkily turned around to face Puck.

Puck poked Kurt again. "I'm not making an appointment to see you to discuss this, Kurt. It's now or never. So how do I get Lauren to go on a date with me?"

"Step one," Kurt said obnoxiously. "Stop being a jerk. Oh wait, that'll be hard to do since you're _blackmailing me_ in order to get her to like you."

Puck rolled his eyes. "She's not going to find out about this since you're not going to tell other people what I'm blackmailing you with. So tell me how to not be a jerk."

"I don't know. Get in touch with your feminine side," Kurt said, exasperated. "Maybe if you understood her perspective more, she'd give a crap about yours."

Puck stared at Kurt blankly. "That almost made sense."

Kurt shrugged as well as he could while laying down.

"So who bought you the fake dick?" Puck asked out of nowhere.

Kurt gasped, his mouth dropping in shock. "Puck! No! I'm not telling you that, that's weird."

Puck snorted. "What? I'm just curious. Was it your boyfriend?"

"I don't have a boyfriend," Kurt said, his mouth a straight line across his face in anger. "Just drop it."

Puck couldn't. "Oh, come on. We're having a little sleepover here, and gabbing like girls will get me in touch with my feminine side. Was it Blaine?" he asked.

Kurt's eyes went wide. "Puck! How did you--"

"What? Figure it out?" Puck asked. "I read your diary. Or tried to. It was more like looking at graffiti done by a ten year old."

Kurt gasped again. It was getting ridiculous. "That's private, Puck."

"So's your dildo and your massive pen collection," Puck said, he rolled to lay flat on his back and look at the ceiling. "Get over it."

Kurt made a weird noise in his throat.

"So Blaine, huh," Puck said, chortling with glee. "I can't believe he gave you a dildo and yet he's not fucking you. Talk about doing everything ass backwards. Kurt, your life is sad."

When he didn't get a response from Kurt, Puck turned his head to look at him. Kurt's chin was wobbling as he bit his lip, the skin around his mouth white. When Kurt huffed and turned around to stare at the wall again, Puck let him. 

Puck felt kind of _really mean_ and he tried to figure out what exactly he had said that was so bad. "Look. Sorry, Kurt," he said, putting his hand on Kurt's shoulder. "I'm a jerk, duh."

Kurt shrugged his hand off and kept staring at the wall. Frustrated, Puck rolled until he was at the edge of the bed and he started looking around for the dildo.

When he found it and had gotten himself re-situated on the bed, Kurt was turned back around and staring at him again. "What are you doing, Puck?"

Puck gripped the edge of the package and tried to rip it open. "I'm getting in touch with my feminine side," he said, his tongue sticking out in concentration. "Shit, this plastic is vacuum-sealed or something."

"What are you doing, Puck!" Kurt asked again. He looked like he was watching a disturbingly fascinating car wreck.

Puck made a small noise of triumph when he finally managed to make the plastic unsnap, the dildo tumbling out onto his chest. "Well, you're girly so I'm just going to do what you would do," he said. "I figured I'd start with this since the real deal would be too gay for me."

Kurt looked really mad at that. "You're horrible. When I said feminine side I thought you'd pick flowers or redecorate your room, not steal my things and stick them up your butt."

"It's not like you were going to use it!" Puck said, defensively. He picked up the dildo and brought it closer to his face to check it out. "Besides, it was a gift from your jerky crush and might as well be declared the worst gift ever. You using it would be so pathetic, you might as well slit your wrists. I'm doing you a favor by stealing it."

Kurt looked weird, like he was angry and about to throw up at the same time. “It was a gift,” he said, weakly.

“Did your gift come with lube, because I'm going to stick it up my butt,” Puck said back. He liked the feel of the dildo, it was cool and flesh-like.

Kurt whimpered in despair. He feebly pointed at his bedside table.

Puck rolled over again and opened the drawer. He peered in and saw the tube right away. He grabbed it and lay flat on his back again. Puck handed Kurt the dildo, who took it reflexively, and pushed his blankets over on top of Kurt. Puck worked on pulling his shirt and sleep pants off. 

Kurt made a small noise of distress when Puck was completely naked, his clothes in a pile on the floor. “This is a nightmare,” he said, bleakly. 

Puck grabbed back the dildo and flipped open the tube of lube with a practiced hand. He started drizzling lubricant over the dildo like he was adding ketchup to a burger. “How much should I use?” he asked.

Kurt shrugged. “A lot, I guess.”

Puck nodded amiably. “Alright, cool.” He used practically half the tube and watched it drip down the sides of the dildo until it reached his fist. “This is a pretty big dick, Kurt. Blaine's got weird ideas going on about your virgin ass.”

Kurt actually reached out and punched Puck in the side for that one. “Stop mentioning him, leave him out of this travesty.”

Puck dropped the tube and weakly poked the dildo with his fingertips, idly swirling the lubricant around the surface. “Maybe his dick looks like this. Is that weird, a guy giving you a dick shaped like his, or is that a gay thing?”

Kurt covered his face with his hands. 

Puck lowered the dildo until his fist was resting on his lower stomach. “I'm more comfortable doing it like this,” he said conversationally as he curled his other hand around the dildo and started jerking it off to spread around the lubricant. 

Kurt peeked through his fingers to see what Puck was talking about and groaned in disgust. “Puck, stop this. You're crazy.”

“No way, Kurt,” he said, grunting as his hand slid off the now slick dildo. “I'm invested now. This is going to happen and I'm going to touch my inner woman with this.”

Puck lost his grip on the dildo and it slipped off his stomach onto the bed. He grunted and flipped onto his side and grabbed it again. The angle was a little weird for him to reach around, but a lot of the girls he did preferred being on their side at first so he figured it was a good position. He tried to search around for his hole, but wasn't having much luck though.

Kurt had finally dropped his hands and was mesmerized by Puck's bizarre fumblings. “What are you doing?” he asked.

Puck grunted. “I'm trying to fuck myself, isn't it obvious?” he said. The dildo kept slipping around in his crack. He couldn't get a good grip on it like this. He contemplated going back from between his legs instead.

“You're going to hurt yourself,” Kurt said. Puck looked over his shoulder. Kurt looked horrified. 

“Relax, Kurt,” Puck said. “This thing's so slick, it'll slide right in.”

Kurt shook his head. “You have to, you know.” He poked a finger out and swirled it around.

“Throw a party?” Puck asked, guessing.

Kurt breathed out loudly through his nose. “You know what I mean,” he said.

“That's not optional?” Puck asked. “This gay thing is complicated.” He brought his arm back around and dropped the dildo before shaking his muscles loose. 

“Look, just don't injure yourself for life in my room,” Kurt said, he looked like he wanted to die. “You can't just stick things up there willy nilly.” 

Puck bit his lip and thought while he blindly searched for the lube again. “Alright, then. Just don't look at me, ok?”

Kurt looked disgusted. “Everything else was fine, but that's your limit? Whatever,” he said before turning to stare at the wall again.

Puck found the tube and opened it, squeezing lube onto his fingers. He rubbed his fingers together and got them slick. This time, he went in between his legs and the angle was better. 

The first finger went in easily. It was weird, but not disturbing. He quickly added a second finger and _that_ was slightly wrong. It made him want to squirm around until he wasn't so uncomfortable.

The third finger actually hurt. “Shit!”

“What?” Kurt said. Puck could hear him rustling around behind him.

“Don't look!” Puck said, frantically. He tried to get his fingers out, but his wrist wasn't cooperating. Instead, he was just sort of moving them around inside his ass. That wasn't too bad, however.

“Okay! Okay! I'm staring at the wall,” Kurt said, grumbling. Puck couldn't hear any more movement behind him. He kept moving his fingers around, biting his tongue to keep from making any noise that might intrigue Kurt. 

“Do I add a fourth?” Puck asked. Moving his fingers around inside his ass was getting boring. 

“I don't know!” Kurt said, exasperated. “What do you think?”

Puck grunted and lifted his leg up a little so he could pull the fingers out of his ass without breaking his arm. “I think that you suck at helping me find my inner woman.”

“You're not doing anything ladylike right now, Puck!” Kurt said. He actually hit the wall with the flat of his hand out of frustration, but refrained from turned to look behind him. “Nothing about this gets you in touch with your feminine side. It's only really really _gay_ , you idiot.”

Puck grunted as the head of the dildo slipped inside him. “And you only tell me about this now? I've already got the tip inside me.”

There was silence in the room. “Seriously?” Kurt asked in a low voice.

“Aw shit, it's slippery,” Puck said, complaining in a high, breathy voice. “God, this is huge.”

“Can I look?” Kurt asked in a tiny voice.

“No!” Puck said. He tentatively pushed the dildo in further. “Hey, this isn't half bad.”

“What's it feel like?” Kurt asked.

Puck grunted and tried to push the dildo in further, but it was difficult to reach back there anymore. “It's uncomfortable, but kind of nice. Shit, this is getting hard. My arms aren't long enough. Maybe I should lay on my back?”

“Maybe,” Kurt said. He wrapped his arms around his body. “How is it uncomfortable?”

“Well, it hurts,” Puck said. “But it hurts so good, though, like yeah. Say Kurt?”

“What?”

Puck hesitated. “Could you, uh, help me out?”

Kurt was staring straight at the wall, afraid of what might happen. “How?”

“Could you just, push this all the way in for me?” Puck asked. He was trying to shake his arm loose again to get the strain out from reaching between his legs for so long. “My arms are too sore to keep this up for so long.”

“Puck!” Kurt said, shocked yet not shocked. 

“Come on, just shove it in me!” Puck said, pleading. “I'll just wiggle it around a little after that and we can call it a day.”

Kurt finally turned around. He gasped when he saw Puck laying on his side with the dildo half up his ass. “This isn't happening to me.”

“Just do it,” Puck said, demanding. 

Kurt hesitatingly reached down and touched the base of the dildo. It wobbled and Puck squirmed around, freaking Kurt out for a second before he got his nerve and gripped the base. Determined to get this over with, Kurt slowly pushed it in.

The way Puck groaned and pushed his ass towards Kurt was intriguing. 

However, the way Puck's ass seemed to swallow the dildo up was creepy. It didn't take long for it to be completely seated inside him, the fake balls snugly perched against Puck's own. They both breathed out slowly and simply lay there confused about what was going to happen next.

“Um, there,” Kurt said finally. He was oddly entranced.

“Thanks,” Puck said, his voice still breathy. “I'll just take it from here then, oh wait. Whoa.”

Kurt had moved as if by instinct and had already grabbed the dildo again, slowly pulling it out of Puck's ass before he could reach back and do it himself. He didn't take it out far before pushing it back in. 

“Shit!” Puck said under his breath.

“Are you okay, did I hurt you?” Kurt asked, worried. He stopped moving the dildo.

“No,” Puck said, a confused lilt in his voice. “Keep doing that. Slowly, though.”

“Okay,” Kurt said, stuttering. He pulled the dildo back out halfway.

It didn't take long for Kurt to gain a good rhythm to his thrusts. Puck kept pushing back into it without thought. He was making small grunts every time the dildo went back in.

Kurt felt strangely powerful. He tried pushing it in a little harder.

“Aw fuck,” Puck said, moaning. 

Kurt smiled and tried twisting the dildo around. The answering groans he received were making him hard. 

“I need to,” Puck said, sounding lost. “It's not enough to--”

“Try getting on your knees,” Kurt said. He felt commanding and kind of dirty. “It'll be easier for me to push it in like that.”

Puck nodded and tried to wiggle away as he worked his way on to his hands and knees. He was really into this and it was a little frightening just how into this he actually was. “Put your back into it, Kurt.”

“Shut up,” Kurt said, absentmindedly. He re-adjusted his dick in his sleep pants and then gripped Puck's hip with one hand. It was easier to thrust with the dildo like this for him. Watching it slip in and out was intoxicating. 

Watching Puck fall apart was the really heady part. Puck was moving his hips back and forth like he didn't know if he was fucking someone or getting fucked. It took all Kurt had to make sure the dildo stayed seated whenever Puck rolled his hips forwards unexpectedly. Sometimes, he'd come in at an angle as a result, but instead of hurting him, Puck seemed to love it even more. Kurt was stunned mute at what was happening.

Puck was too busy moaning to say anything either. 

It seemed to go on forever, the fucking, with Puck and Kurt both wholly focused on what was happening, on the sound of plastic hitting flesh, and the feeling of fullness. Puck's thighs hurt from holding himself up like this and Kurt's arms were getting tired. When Kurt stopped for a second to shake out his arm, Puck leaned away and fell onto his side again. “What's the matter?” Kurt asked.

Puck just shook his head and waved Kurt off. “I need to get off, my dick is killing me,” he said, his hand already down in his crotch, curling around his heavy erection.

Kurt nodded and unthinkingly cupped himself. “Oh, okay,” he said. “Should I turn around or something?”

Puck just laughed and shook his head again. “It's too late to be shy,” he said. He was fisting himself brutally, still wiggling around on the dildo as if he was trying to use the bed itself to move it around inside him.

Kurt was still nodding as if on autopilot. He sank down into his kneel and stuck his hand down his pants to jerk off himself. Oversensitive from the mental overload, it only took a few strokes for him to get off.

Puck was still working himself over. “Fuck,” he said under his breath. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, come on.”

Kurt grimaced as he came down from the high of orgasm, his breath calming. He felt fried from too many new things and sights. But he felt for Puck, who looked like he going to die if he didn't get off soon. “Can I help?” he asked.

Puck whimpered and nodded frantically, “Just do something, I don't care,” he said, his hand a blur on his dick.

Kurt fell forward on his elbows and gripped the dildo and _shoved_ it into Puck hard. Puck bucked away and started coming with a quiet howl. Kurt watched in awe as he twitched through his orgasm, his ass flexing oddly around the dildo.

He flinched when Puck frantically reached around and pulled the dildo out and tossed it on the floor. “Are you alright?” he asked.

Puck turned until he was flat on his back and sighed. “Fuck yeah,” he said, a big grin on his face. “I had to get that out though, my ass was getting too sensitive.”

“Oh,” Kurt said.

“That was really awesome,” Puck said. “Like seriously.”

Kurt fidgeted in place, his fingers twitching along the bedsheets. He slowly moved out of his crouch so he was laying flat on the back too. “I'm glad you liked it, I guess?” he said. “You can keep it if you want.”

“You sure about that?” Puck asked. “I mean, it was a gift from your boy after all.”

“No, I'm good.” Kurt said, a twist to his smile. “Keep it.” Puck nodded in thanks. 

“Consider yourself no longer blackmailed then,” Puck said. “So, Kurt. Do you think Lauren would do that to me with like a strap-on?” 

Kurt scrunched his nose up and huffed. “Puck, of course she would. She's Lauren Zizes. She is more of a man than anyone else in the entire school.”

“That's true,” Puck said, agreeably. “Her dick would be, like, a foot long. I think you were wrong about me needing to find my lady-self, though. I think I needed to find my gay-self to get with Lauren.”

“Really,” Kurt said in a flat voice.

“Yeah, totally!” Puck said excitedly. He rolled over until he was laying half on top of Kurt, making him squawk. “Lauren's like a man's woman so I need to be a man's man to match her. She'll like that. Plus, gay sex reminds me a lot of wrestling and she loves wrestling more than anything in the world.”

Kurt tried to squirm away from Puck, but he was being held in a tight grip. “Alright then. You do that, Puck, and you get your woman. Now let me go.”

Puck laughed and slipped his hands down Kurt's waist until he was able to pull down his pants. “You're dick is going to get stuck to your pants if you let that shit dry. Come on, take them off. You've already seen inside my ass.”

“Puck, stop it,” Kurt said as he tried to squirm away. He only succeeded in helping Puck slip his pants down his ass and to his feet. Sighing, he kicked them off entirely and tried to grip Puck's arms to get them off his body. 

Instead, Puck moved his hands up under Kurt's shirt and started tickling his ribs. “Puck!” Kurt said loudly, scaring himself. He tried to quietly get away from Puck's fingers and hoped he didn't wake anyone up. Puck was determined though and he soon had Kurt melted into the bed, laughing weakly as Puck moved away from tickling him to softly caressing his skin. 

Defeated, Kurt let Puck manhandle him until he was on his side, facing the wall, with Puck behind him spooning him, his limp dick nestled against his ass. Puck's hands were still wandering underneath his shirt, taking long strokes across his ribs and stomach that were soothing and slowly lulling him to sleep.

Puck leaned in a whispered in his ear, “Blaine better step up to the plate and stake his claim on you before I decide I want to try gay sex using a real dick.”

Kurt huffed and blindly reached back to touch Puck, accidentally smacking his ass as a result. “Oh, I'll be sure to tell him that. You look me up if things don't work out with Lauren, Puck. I'll show you the ropes,” he said, sarcastically. 

Puck smiled smugly and gripped Kurt tighter. “I'll hold you to that, Kurt.”


End file.
